CTA Tattler

Rude awakenings

A 19-year-old guy sits with his back against the side of the El car, sound asleep, his hugging his knees, his feet on the seat next to him. Of course, the train is crowded, and people stand near him, coveting the seat occupied by his feet.

Finally, an older guy boards at Lawrence, walks right up to him and shouts, "Hey man!" and slaps his legs. The guy wakes up with a start and slides over. His new seatmate reminds him to move his bag too.

Bus stop shave

Yesterday morning, as I was driving home from the gym, I spied a middle aged man standing inside a bus shelter, merrily shaving with an electric shaver. Gotta love those cordelss models.

This morning, at the same time, I saw him again, shaving away. But this time he was standing one block west, on the other side of the street, with his shaver hugging his bearded face.

Perhaps he had a better view of the oncoming Lunt bus.

El shavings

Talk about synchronicity! I had no sooner posted the above item about a guy shaving at the bus stop, when I got the following contribution via email. Thanks, John.

I've seen a lot of women on the train applying makeup during my 40-48 minute ride (that should really take 28-32 minutes) on the Red Line from Granville to Harrison.  But today, I got on the train and heard a buzzing noise behind me. 

I figured at first that it was another malfunctioning part of the train, like when the destination signs get stuck and rotate for 10 minutes or more.  After a minute or two, I turned around and discovered that the noise was coming from an early 20-something white guy using a portable electric razor. 

The idea of the beard stubble being scattered around the train nearly made me sick-- even more so than the women I've seen that spray perfume on the train.

Of Lincoln, German and Tibetan monks

When you really want to see the CTA crazies, you have to ride the Red Line after 9 p.m. or so.

It was about 9:45 p.m. I sat behind three rather prim, well-scrubbed college-age woman. One was taking about her upcoming trip abroad. "And I went to Dick's -- isn't that what's it's called? Dick's Sporting Goods? And I bought one of those, like, sleeper thingies that you wear so that you don't have to, like, lie on the sheets in a foreign country. And one of those towels that dries real fast, so they get all, like, moldy."

Just then, an enormous man boards at Fullerton. This guy was about 6 foot 7 inches, and about 280 pounds, with a full head of bushy brown hair. He sat next to a 60-ish woman wearing an orange felt coat. (An Illini fan, perhaps?) Suddenly he turned to the woman and asked: "Konnen Sie Deutschen sprechen?"

The woman politely replied: "I took German in high school."

Mr. Big said, "Let me try something simple on you to see how much you remember: Eins, zwei, drei. Can you guess how old I am?"

Unsettling lack of eye contact

Two 20-something women entered the Red Line at Clark and Division. One was talking away, seemingly to herself, because she was not looking at anyone in particular.

She was seemingly talking to herself, but it soon became apparent she was with the woman behind her. And yet I never saw her make eye contact with her friend. Frankly, it was unsettling.

She was yakking, talking about going to visit her mom this weekend, etc. Her friend would infrequently look at her, but she too was talking without making much eye contact.

They exited with me at Grand, and continued their non-stop, non-eye-contact talking up the escalator and onto the street at Grand. Strange.

The train car streaker

Here's another reader contribution, and a good one at that!

I was riding a Red Line train last night going northbound at about 10 pm. A guy gets on the train at Washington and runs through the whole train naked then gets off at Clark and Division.

For medicinal purposes only

Today's guest post comes from Katie. Thanks, hon!

A few weeks ago I was traveling home on the 77 Belmont bus. I was sitting across the aisle from a regular-looking guy who seemed to have just finished some shopping at Walgreen's.

As the ride wore on, I saw him rummaging through the bag that contained his recent purchase and caught a glimpse of a bottle-shaped object inside the bag. I was somewhat surprised because this guy appeared to have a concealed liquor bottle in the bag.

He looked pretty normal and not at all like the type to be doing any midday boozing. Nevertheless, I caught him unscrewing the cap of his hidden bottle and watched as he brought it to his lips. He took a big swallow and as top of the bottle poked out of the bag, I could see that the liquid he was gulping down was green.

A second later, I caught a whiff of the bottle's contents and it confirmed my suspicion. This man was drinking MOUTHWASH. He clearly was not swishing it around in his mouth for the dental advantages, but rather he was swallowing this stuff for some other unknown reason.

Does mouthwash have alcohol in it? Is there some other advantage to drinking it that I am not aware of? To this day, I still cannot figure out what purpose can be served by drinking mouthwash. But the thought is certainly nauseating...

From self-help to the devil

This week's edition of "CTA reading habits" begins with a couple of self-help books. It's the first time I've seen riders reading self-improvement books. As usual, I provide the sex and approximate age of the rider. And as usual women readers outnumber their male counterparts.

Cut the Clutter and Stow the Stuff, by Lori Baird, read by a 55-year-old woman. You're never too old to get organized.

Excel 2003 for Dummies, by Greg Harvey, read by another 55-year-old gal. You're never too old to learn Excel. But I would avoid advertising to fellow CTA riders that I'm a dummy. That's why I've never bought one of those "Dummy" books. Not that I'm a dummy.

The Privilege of Youth, by Dave Pelzer, a 40-year-old woman. You're never too old to know that youths are privileged.

The Arabian Nights, translation by Sir Richard F. Burton, perused by both a 30-year-old woman and her same-age significant other.

Out, by Natsuo Kirino, 25-year-old woman. And no, it's not a "coming out" story. According to Amazon: "Four women who work the night shift in a Tokyo factory that produces boxed lunches find their lives twisted beyond repair in this grimly compelling crime novel, which won Japan's top mystery award, the Grand Prix, for its already heralded author, now making her first appearance in English." Interesting. Boxed lunches? Who knew there was a factory for that?

Voice your opinion on CTA cuts

The CTA actually wants to hear from its riders about what we think about the upcoming service cuts and/or fare increases if the state legislature doesn't pony up any cash.

Ummm, how about none of the above?

Hmmm, not a choice eh? Then go to the hearing at 4 p.m. April 7 at CTA headquarters, 567 W. Lake St. Or email the CTA with your concerns by April 8.

Master of the obvious

We've all heard the conductor pleading with people to move in or get off the train. The other day, this motorman was a bit more obvious:

"If you can't get on, that means the train is full. Stand clear of the doors. If you don't want to stand clear of the doors, then we'll sit here until you do."

That got them moving.

But really, do you ever believe the announcement that "there's a train following immediately behind this one"?

Yeah, right, and the check is in the mail....